Below is a confession I wrote on Xanga in November of 2005. This was one of those major moments in my life. A moment when I started a journey to figure out who I was. The thoughts in this entry show me, more than anything, that I have truly grown as a person. In 2005, I was terrified, lonely, and full of self-hatred. I never imagined in 2005 that I would live a life of happiness or fulfillment of any sort. I was wrought with the deepest pain that I've ever experienced. In 2012, I am enthusiastic, confident and full of joy. Thanks be to God.
I don't usually think of xanga as being the best forum to bear all of your personal problems or life story, but i think, with taste, it can be done in a manner that is useful, constructive, and beneficial. i have grown up in a loving Christian family. i have gone to Sunday school since I can remember. I heard the stories of Jesus, about the love of God, and the miracles he had done. I grew up in a conservative church where certain issues are swept under the table.
I don't usually think of xanga as being the best forum to bear all of your personal problems or life story, but i think, with taste, it can be done in a manner that is useful, constructive, and beneficial. i have grown up in a loving Christian family. i have gone to Sunday school since I can remember. I heard the stories of Jesus, about the love of God, and the miracles he had done. I grew up in a conservative church where certain issues are swept under the table.
I am a guy who struggles with
homosexuality.
Dealing with this, i've seen and
experienced that the
Church in America has been awful in addressing
this issue. I myself, even struggling with this, am guilty of not
always
having a loving, gracious attitude toward homosexuals. Being very
involved in politics, I've seen how the Church emphasizes political
involvement and treats issues such as gay marriage as a crusade to
be won, no matter the casualties or cost. homosexuality has been put on
this pedestal of "the worst sin imaginable" and that is simply false.
rather than minister to
homosexuals and those who have these feelings, the Church has created
unnecessary, hostile division, devoid of any hint of Jesus' love.this has led to many hurt people, continued hatred toward the Church and most significantly, hostility toward the loving message of Jesus Christ. i've found that within the Church, there is little support for people who struggle with this. Did I choose to struggle with this? No, it sucks! Did I choose to have these thoughts/feelings? No. Nobody chooses this struggle. but i can choose what i do in the midst having these feelings. thankfully i have amazing parents and a great youth pastor who i could go to. however, this is not the case in the larger aspect of things.
Within the Church, do we stand up against discrimination toward homosexuals and homophobia? If not, why don't we? My heart goes out to others who have/are struggling with this. I ask for your forgiveness in not being the Jesus who looks into your eyes and says I love you, without any stipulations or strings attached. I've said that we should "hate the sin, but love the sinner", yet how am I loving this person who is not out of the ordinary, but is like every other member of the human race and has struggles?
there is no reason to withhold love and compassion from those who struggle with or practice homosexuality. Has the Church, collectively, been "loving the sinner?". On the whole, NOT AT ALL. A Christian's job is not to convince someone to be straight. It's not to change someone's sexuality. It's not to condemn. Without the grace of God, we are all in jeopardy. No particular group of people are or should be targeted. For those out there who are struggling, there is hope for change (if you want it). For me, i just don't feel like homosexuality is the lifestyle i want to live.
I want to be true to myself; not coerced one way or the other. I can see where some past things may have played a part in me having the feelings i have. Can I rule out the possiblity of change? I don't think so. Why should I? It is a process. It is hard. It takes time. I don't pretend to have made it yet, but I think it could be possible. I'm sorry if those who proclaimed to be Christians have hurt you in the past, whatever your struggle. I am truly sorry.
To those who haven't struggled with these thoughts and desires, I encourage you not to try to understand the complexities of it as much as simply loving on those who struggle with it. sadly, the issue of homsexuality has been inflamed by politics and that is unfortunate. I encourage you to read "Loving Homsexuals as Jesus Would" by Chad Thompson or visit his website. I love you all! thankfully there are some in the church addressing this in a loving way: changed ministries exodus freedom conference 2006 inqueery.com lovinghomosexuals.com
